a pantoum for my ptsd 

i can't tell you how 

but i knew it was going to happen before it did 

because i felt a prick of fear ringing in my ears in the moments right before—    

CRASH.  s   k   i   d   d   i   n   g.  spinning spinning spinning— I smacked hard into a

tree. 

and i knew it was going to happen before it did, 

the metal molded, the engine smoking, stranded on the side of the interstate.      

CRASH.  s   k   i   d   d   i   n   g.  spinning spinning spinning— I smacked hard into a

tree, 

left with a subliminal buzzing in the back of my head, and wet socks from fresh snow.  

the metal was molded, the engine was smoking, and i was stranded on the side of the

interstate,                                                                                                                                                       

but i remember how pretty the shattered windshield looked under the november sky. 

there was a subliminal buzzing in the back of my head, and i had wet socks from fresh

snow, 

but the cold never infiltrated the layer of raw fear that had settled on my skin.  

i remember how pretty the shattered windshield looked under the november sky,  

like a fucked-up metaphor for silver linings.  

the cold never infiltrated the layer of raw fear that had settled on my skin because  

on impact, i could only feel a sense of acceptance.  

it’s a fucked-up metaphor for silver linings 

because i felt a prick of fear ringing in my ears in the moments right before  

but on impact, i could only feel a sense of acceptance…  

i can't tell you how.