Tampons because that’s what good ex-Catholics use when they’re feeling edgy. But seriously. Why are there so many brands? Like I just want to not stain everything my ass touches red? Is that really too much to ask? I should just buy these things at Costco. It’s not like I won’t ever need them again. 

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Condoms. Because STDs suck? Oh and I’m a strong independent woman who wants to claim her body and her agency by choosing the brand. Trojan Bareskin is where it’s at. Those people who buy the ribbed ones scare me. Like do you seriously want a xylophone scaling your pussy? Probably not. 

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Advil. The lifesaver of all NSAIDS. Sometimes you just gotta pop them like Skittles. 

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Nail polish remover. Is it bad that I don’t mind the smell? I’m not saying I’d get high from it or anything. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t mind smelling it for more than a minute. Too weird? We all have our things I guess. 

~ ~ ~

Maybelline red lipstick. Not a dark red. Just a classic Marilyn Monroe kind of red. That’s the most assertive type. I lost my other tube the same day I lost my sunglasses case. 

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Apricot face mask. Because #selfcare! It’s a trend, right? I could be falling apart on the inside, breaking out quite literally on the outside, but none of that matters with a face mask. You’re suddenly glowing! Refreshed! #naturalglow! 

~ ~ ~

A baby shower card for your conservative cousin. You know. Her. The one you swore would never marry because of her shitty personality. But look at her now. Married and pregnant at twenty because she couldn’t wait. I think you need to taste test the cake before you buy it, you know what I mean? 

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Those toothpicks with the foil at the bottom. And those drink umbrellas. They’re just fun. Make me feel like a classy bitch.

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Discounted Valentine’s Day candy. Um do I even need another reason to treat myself? And on cheap candy? Yes please. But like fuck the Fun Dip shit and those tiny Russell Stover boxes. I want a whole ass Whitman sampler. Except for the fruit and nut chews. Hard pass on those. 

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DiGiorno frozen pizza. You think I have the time or the energy to cook? Haha. You’re funny. 

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Double Dark Chocolate Talenti gelato. No, I’m not on my period. Thanks for asking. I just really like this flavor and it’s on sale. 

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Watermelon gum. It’s so obnoxiously middle school, I can’t help but have it be my go to flavor. You can smell it from a mile away and it never loses its taste. It’s so artificially watermelon, it’s like the marketing team was all like you know what would be cool? Get this. Watermelon gum. Only it’s just gum that is so hot pink that people don’t care it tastes like shit. 

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Five hour energy shot. Because it’s cheaper than Adderall. That shit’s wild. 

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A white lighter. Because I like living dangerously.

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Pretzel M&Ms. I mean seriously. Have you had a pretzel M&M though? They are infinitely better than any other kind. I will fight anyone who tells me otherwise.